Good mourning, it’s Monday! #Six

Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…

‘ALL I ASKED FOR WAS SLICED CHEESE’: RICHARD ROOMMATES BEWILDERED AFTER STORE EMPLOYEES HIDE, CALL THE POLICE

Source: RICHMOND, Va. (WRIC) — What began as a spontaneous trip to the store ended up being one of the most bizarre experiences of Ricky Berry’s life. He and his roommate went to purchase a grocery item and ended up having the police called on them.

Berry and his roommate told 8News they walked into the CVS in Carytown and asked an employee if they sold sliced cheese. The worker kindly replied that they did not.

A few minutes later, the employee — all of the store employees, in fact — were nowhere to be found. Berry and his roommate, Philip Blackwell, said they were in the store with another customer for more than 30 minutes alone before an officer with the Richmond Police Department showed up.

People might read this story and think to themselves, “how could the store employees act like that?” It may be assumed the employees engaged in some racial profiling, but let’s not skip over the big issue of this story: who the hell goes to CVS for sliced cheese??? I may pick up a pack at the supermarket, but it’s also not the only thing I purchase either, never mind at CVS. Listen, there’s only a few items you actually purchase at CVS: candy, chips, Arnold Palmer, and a birthday card because you forgot grandma’s birthday dinner is in the next day. So you know what? Good for this store. They did the right thing. Berry says in this story, “[The officer] was laughing with us because, like, this is how weird, apocalyptic movies start.” No, Ricky, apocalyptic movies start with two lunatics shopping for sliced cheese at a convenience store.

PLUMBERS IN EL PASO DEAL WITH SURGE OF CLOGGED DRAIN CALLS ON THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

Source: EL PASO, Texas — Stores aren’t the only ones experiencing a rise in customers Friday — plumbers are also experiencing one of their busiest days of the year. When the remnants of your delicious Thanksgiving dinner go down the drain, your hard earned money might end up there too. “Your mind is somewhere else, on the family, so you [dump food down the drain] unintentionally sometimes, but then it gets clogged right away,” said Gilbert Flores, of Surety Plumbing.

I read the headline and thought, “no shit.” But then when the plumber explains it’s food going down the sink…

No one, and I mean NO ONE, puts food down the sink accidentally unless you have a sink disposal thing, especially on Thanksgiving. (Yes, I don’t know the proper term because I don’t have one. And no, I’m not taking the time to look it up.) What makes this story bullshit human crap is the location: El Paso, Texas. You mean to tell me the 11th fattest state in America, with an obesity rate of 31.9%, is just wasting food down their drains? No chance. I don’t know if this plumber is ashamed of all the poop he has to unclog or if the state of Texas wants to look healthier, but they aren’t fooling me.

ZACH’S OFFICIAL HOLIDAY SHOPPING LIST FOR PEOPLE YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO SHOP FOR

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, except for your wallet. Christmas shopping is hit or miss for me. Last year, I was done almost three full weeks before Santa showed up. The year before, I was running around stores like a crazy person on Christmas Eve. It always seems to come down to those few people who you might feel like you need to purchase gifts for, but don’t necessarily want to. If you need ideas for these people, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s get to the list:

Your great-aunt Rita

What a saint Rita is, always having folks over for Rummy and The Price is Right. But at 97-years-old, she’s pretty much owned everything and doesn’t need all that much for her remaining years. Old people love cards on holidays, so get a nice Christmas card with lost of flowers and cursive writing (she can’t read it anyway). Add a bag of Werther’s candies, and top it off with flowers and you’ll be remembered as the best niece/nephew for a week.

Your mom’s high school friend who’s children were forced to be your friends growing up

She’s the type of person you’d think would be like your mom, but isn’t. Just give her a gift card to the 99 restaurant. Middle-aged women love going there for some reason.

Sister/brother-in-law

Similar to the mother’s friend, you’d think they have the same interests, but they’re picky about everything. Gift cards are always the easy choice, but if you want to seem like a good in-law, stick to electronics. Headphones for the gym, cheap tablet, or bluetooth speakers are gender neutral and work for anyone. Great for nerds, great for white chicks who love music, great for all.

Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray

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