GMIM #18: 50 Shades Darker review

Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…

Am I a miserable person for wanting the subway voice to be miserable in the morning?

As I do every morning heading to work, I hopped on the subway and rode the mobile hunk of metal like a sardine traveling to the supermarket in a vacuumed-packed can on board an 18-wheeler. I’m tired, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open, and I want to sleep; everyone around me is the same way. But it happens that one person is alive and well: the subway driver. Now, I do always hope the driver is awake, that way we don’t crash and burn (although that doesn’t seem like a bad idea on some days), but I cannot handle an overly joyous driver who goes over the intercom to lighten up our mornings.

“GOOOOOOD morning passengers and welcome aboard the Orange Line! Our next stop is Haymarket. There you will find city hall, Faneuil Hall, and the harbor. We thank you for riding the T and wish you a splendid day!”

My reaction:

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Do I acknowledge it’s a screwed up way of thinking to want everything and everyone around me to be quiet and miserable like me every Monday morning? Yes, yes I do. But spare me the joy. Spare me the joyous Orange Line exaggeration. Because I know the moment I step off that subway, it’s a five minute walk of crowded streets, people asking for money, a puddle or two to be stepped in, and the sweet smell of poop that liters the downtown air.

Valentine’s Day movie review: 50 Shades Darker

Another week, another love(?) story that’ll be reviewed by yours truly. This time around, it’s the sequel to the self-proclaimed “world-wide phenomenon” know as 50 Shades Darker.

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“Zach, your such a puss for going to see that, where are your balls?” Listen, you ain’t a real man if you can’t handle biting the bullet to see a crappy Valentine’s Day movie. It’s the worst thing you could do.

Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (nice spelling, asshole) are back for the hotter, sexier, darker, and much more intense version of 50 Shades. They’re going to get freaky. It’s going to be steamy. It’s………none of those things, folks.

There are two main takeaways from this film: it’s not darker, and the movie simply sucks.

Spoilers? Why not! So basically the movie starts with Miss Steele trying to live her simple life in the city of Seattle (shout out to Super Bowl XLIX), but then Christian returns wanting to spark things up again and take back the love of his life, if you want to call her that. Steele left him because he’s a crazy sex freak who gets off on hurting her. But hey, a minute and a half scene of them two eating dinner solves everything and they’re back at it. One thing leads to another, they do it, they live rich, Steele’s boss is making sexual advances, the boss gets fired, Steele and Grey are trying to live normal couple lives, a helicopter crashes, Grey’s former sexual dominant is showing up and being weird, blah blah blah, and eventually Steele and Grey get engaged. Ya! Love!

I think every character in this film suffers from multiple personality disorder. Let’s run down the list:

  • Steele is super quiet and shy, speaking like a child who was put in the corner at times, yet is able to handle the responsibilities of her boss after he’s fired?
  • Grey wants control of Steele (duh) and can’t open up. Then he an open up and wants her to live happy. But then he’s angry and having a 13-year-old text fight.
  • Steele’s boss Jack Hyde (See that?  It’s like Jackal and Hyde, but in a name!) comes off as a nice guy who Steele would eventually fall for because he’s this normal dude who doesn’t have a sex chamber in his multi-million dollar apartment. But guess what? He becomes an aggressive sex freak who wants to make sex with Steele. Basically an angrier Grey.
  • Grey’s former dominant Elena Lincoln comes into the picture as a somewhat mysterious woman. She’s friends with Christian, then stays away. She’s then warning Anastasia to get away from him.
  • Mama Grey is still friends with Elena in this movie. Now this one is my favorite, because it makes no damn sense. So they remain friends, looking just fine and perky as ever, even though this woman made Christian her bitch. These two are friends up until the very end when Elena tells Steele not to marry Christian. When this happens, Mama tosses her drink at Elena and tells her to get out of her family’s life. Really, now  you decide this? Not when she’s forcefully banging your son? Makes sense.

There is nothing darker about this movie, so sorry to disappoint you ladies. No crazy gadgets, no wild positions, and nothing to say “oh my!”

Just like the book, this was made for deprived middle-aged women who need a fixin’ and want to lay eyes on actor Jamie Dornan (fun fact: manscaping is not in his vocabulary). It’s been a week and I still don’t understand the plot to this movie, nor do I know what they’re setting us up for. It’s just lots of sex, bad acting, and even worse bangs from Dakota Johnson.

The only thing dark about this movie is its 9% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Zach’s score: 0/5 nipple clamps

Answered prayer of the week

Finally getting warmer weather and the snow is starting to melt. We’re even looking at temperatures in the 60s next week! You gotta believe.

Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray

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