Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…
My long-lasting feud with the Easter Bunny
It’s Easter week, folks. Palm Sunday was yesterday, which means the state of Florida was lit. Lent technically ends on Thursday, Good Friday comes the day after, and then Easter finally arrives Sunday. Big, big week for all the Catholics out there.
I enjoy the food, helping kids hunt for plastic eggs filled with money or terrible Tootsie Rolls, coloring boiled eggs I’ll never eat, and dressing like a private school nerd. But for me, Easter is a reminder of my arch nemesis: The Easter Bunny. I admit, this might be one of the more ridiculous things I’ll put out there, but I assure you this is 100% true. This isn’t my sarcastic hot fire flames takes, my condescending analysis, or any other blog I put out there to grab a few laughs. This actually happened and I will stand by it as long as I live.
Growing up, my folks would take my brother and me to the mall for pictures with Santa, the Easter Bunny, and others grown men in costume to sit on their laps and snap a photograph. You know, totally normal and not weird-looking back on it. I’ve never had a fear of mascots or people in costume. Sure, Chuck E. Cheese is creepy as hell, but I’d never shy away from giving my boy (or failing high school student) a high-five.
Fast forward to the Spring of 2003; I moved from the house I grew up in to my current home. I was around the age of 11 and was pretty excited about the move. My family had renovated a house that was abandoned for 15+ years. They saw potential in a rotting house & tree-invested yard, and renovated it into a great Victorian-Style home.
Rumor has it that my house is haunted. My family and others who have visit have claimed to have seen and hear things, ranging from footsteps upstairs to hearing and seeing a little girl run across the foyer. Me though, I’m not a big believer in the paranormal, especially in my digs. I’ve yet to experience anything “ghostly,” but I’ve only had one scary experience, and that was with the Easter Bunny.
It’s the night before Easter in 2003. I go to bed knowing my mom will have a basket of sugary sweets for me sitting outside my door the next morning. But during the night, I wake up and my room is dimly lit by the moonlight or streetlights through my bedroom windows. At the foot of my bed looking down at me is the goddamn Easter Bunny in full mascot suit. This dude had to be over six feet tall, but no one in my family is that height. We didn’t own a bunny costume. It’s dark in the room, so it’s basically a silhouette with the ears and everything. I’m laying in bed in absolute fear, thinking this couldn’t be real. I turn to my right towards the large mirror and I SEE THE BUNNY THERE AS WELL. The only thing I could do was tuck my head under the sheets and try to sleep.
The next day, I share this experience with my cousins, who tell me the Easter Bunny isn’t real. I ask my parents and they give the reaction like they need to explain how they give me gifts every year, blah, blah, blah. Problem was, this wasn’t the typical “No! Santa is real!” situation. I stared into the eyes of the devil himself the night before, folks. And I know that S.O.B. is real.
Historically, the “Easter Hare” was like Santa, determining whether or not kids were naughty or nice during Eastertime. You can thank the German Lutherans for creating this concept in 1682. You know who else decided which Germans were good or bad? Thought so…
So there you have it. The Easter Bunny, standing at 6 foot whatever, stood over my bed when I was 11 to judge whether or not I was a good boy during Eastertime. I’m not crazy, but you could say I’m woke on this.
Easter candy power rankings
Ok, now that we are finished with my childhood experience, let’s move onto the Easter candy power rankings. These include both sugary sweets and chocolate. I’m not a big candy guy whatsoever, so this will only be the classiest of Easter candies. And if you even remotely enjoy Peeps, you can stop reading this and never click on my site ever again.
#5: Cadbury Eggs
It’s the type of candy that only comes out once a year, at least I think. Let’s admit it: these are really weird to eat and kind of gross, but it’s almost like you have to. I wouldn’t exactly drink egg nog in the summer, but I guzzle it down during the holidays. Same with Cadbury Eggs. You just have to do it.
#4: Peanut M&M’s
A great candy overall, which is why they only sit at number four. The multi-color and egg shape add to this great Easter candy. It’s the type you can binge eat and not feel completely useless. Plus, you look relatively normal grabbing a handful.
#3: Jelly Beans
Much like the Cadbury Eggs, these aren’t exactly great tasting, but something about eating these during the resurrection of Jesus is so satisfying. They have the egg shape, taste and look like spring, and are not messy at all.
I’m not sure if these come in Easter edition, but even if they don’t, they fit in just right. They’re similar to the Easter color and taste jelly beans feature, except they’re much, much better. You can either chew them down like candy, or absorb the flavor like hard candy. Multi-functioning, multi-season, and a A+ candy during Easter.
#1: Reese’s Mini Eggs
The jumbo-sized egg is the grossest thing out there, which is why moderation is so key to candy in general. The peanut butter in Reese’s isn’t really peanut butter, so having an abundance is nasty. The mini eggs are the perfect size and have the perfect chocolate to peanut butter ratio. They look like eggs, taste great, and keep away nerds who have peanut allergies (hi, CJ).
In case you missed it: newest Gray Area podcast, featuring Todd Montana
On the newest podcast, I sat down with my former boss and current Lasell College women’s basketball coach Todd Montana to discuss his experience coaching college hoops, thoughts on the game, and gives me a recruiting pitch. Smash that share button.
Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray