Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…
The Marathon Monday All-‘Murica Team
Here in Massachusetts, we observe the third Monday of April as a state holiday called Patriots Day. It’s a good old time, especially if you’re a college student along the Boston Marathon route getting drunk at 8 a.m. You know, responsible actions that’ll land you a job a few months later after graduation.
The Boston Marathon isn’t the Super Bowl or World Cup, but it’s a feel-good day for Bostonians to celebrate the state that invented America. It could be argued that the marathon itself is an analogy of the American Dream: a group of individuals from nations across the globe pushing their own limits to reach their goals and celebrate all that is good with the land of the free.
On this day every year as well, the Boston Red Sox play their 11 a.m. Patriots Day game. It is truly a perfect day drinking experience for sports-goers. But while watching this game, a couple of my favorite pitchers came in to toss the ol’ leather for Boston. Why are they my favorite? Athletic ability? Personal story? Morals? No, it’s none of those. These players’ physical appearances embody what it means to be overly American. They look like true ‘Muricans: overweight, un-groomed, and free living manly men. We’ll get to them later.
Without further delay, here is the All-‘Murican Patriots Day Team (Note, this is cross-sport and does not have any true structure. You know, the ‘Murican way):
Jared Lorenzen: quarterback/commissioner
The Hefty-Lefty comes in as the unanimous number one overall pick on this team, for a number of reasons. First off, he’s fat. Like, really, really fat. But he has a howitzer for an arm, moves like a leopard, and took down the undefeated New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. In 2011, he was named the commissioner of the Ultimate Indoor Football League.
Watching Lorenzen play is what most Americans imagine themselves looking like when playing football on Thanksgiving morning. Just a large person who shouldn’t be playing football, never mind quarterback, and absolutely killing it.
Larry Bird: 3-point specialist
Obviously Bird can do more than just pop treys, but we have to figure we’re getting post-driveway shoveling Larry since he’s too ‘Murican to hire someone to create a driveway for his mother. Just think about that happening today; a player essentially ends his career because he’s doing construction in the off-season, even though he’s rich enough to hire people to do the job for him. It would be considered stupidity, but for Bird, he’s just your average Midwestern American man. Bird capped off his career by playing in the 1992 Olympics for the Dream Team, only the most American team to date. Add the mullet and stache and we got ourselves one hell of a Patriot.
Phil Kessel: forward/hydration specialist
Representing America in the Olympics is almost a guarantee to make this list, but not every American represents ‘Murica. Phil Kessel does however. He’s a Stanley Cup champion, has chubby cheeks, and a lover of nachos.
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) June 8, 2016
Plus, Phil can re-hydrate incredibly fast.
Robbie Ross, Jr. and Heath Hembree: cleanup crew
When I went to watch the Sox play last year, Double-R (that’s my nickname for him) came into relief against the Orioles and didn’t do much of anything, which made me fall in love with him a little more. Here’s a glance of him with the Texas Rangers prior to joining Boston:
A squeaky-clean young chap looking to make a name for himself in the big leagues. But now…
We got ourselves a true lover of the U-S-of-A. It’s a beautiful sight: business in the front, party in the back, and nothing on the sides. RRJ is killing it with him blonde/sort of red hair that is nothing short of majestic.
I never thought it could be outdone, until I saw Heath Hembree step on the mound for the first time this year.
Heath “Kenny Powers” Hembree, folks. Long, curly black hair, gritty facial hair, and a face that says, “I came here for the free post-game beer.” Hembree might have taken over the spot in my heart that RRJ occupied, but it’ll end up belonging to however posts a higher ERA come September. Because nothing says ‘Murica like milking it through your job, yet never getting fired.
Augie Garrido: head coach
All you need to do is watch this video and you’ll understand why he’s fit to be the head coach of the All-‘Murican team…
Mark Davis: owner and caterer
The real life Tommy Boy,
Oakland Las Vegas Raiders owner Mark Davis is living the American dream. He inherited his daddy’s business, eats endless P.F. Chang’s, and gets to move his team to Vegas. Who else would you want running your franchise?
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