GMIM: Celtics and manicures

Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…

Hot take Monday: Is Danny Ainge the greatest B.S. artist in sports?

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If you somehow haven’t been following the recent NBA news, Celtics general manager Danny Ainge has agreed to trade away Boston’s first ever #1 overall pick to division foe Philadelphia for the Sixers’ #3 pick and another future 1st round pick. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty of the deal, but the overall consensus so far is if there are no other deals or plans past this, the Celtics absolutely screwed themselves. It was expected that the Celtics would draft Markelle Fultz in the top spot, but now it’s looking more like Josh Jackson out of Kansas.

Through his tenure in the Celtics front office, Ainge has been the center of both praise and criticism from Boston fans, aka Green Teamers. His trades have resulted in great success, while other moves have many scratching their heads.

This leads us to the ultimate question: is Danny Ainge the greatest bullshit artist in sports right now?

To fully grasp whether this is true, we must dive into Ainge’s past not just as a GM, but also as an athlete.

Success came at a young age for little Daniel, as he’s the only high school athlete to be named first-team All-American in football, basketball, and baseball while attending North Eugene High School in Oregon.

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Ainge’s talents landed him both a spot on the Brigham Young University basketball team and as a third baseman with the Toronto Blue Jays.

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As BYU’s star hoopster, Ainge won both the Eastman Award and the Wooden Award. Throughout his college career, Ainge was an All-American, a two-time First Team Academic All-American, the WAC Player of the Year, and a four-time All-WAC selection. He finished his college career having scored in double-figures in 112 consecutive games, an NCAA record at that time.

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In his three years with the Toronto Blue Jays, Ainge hit for a .220 average with two home runs and 146 hits in 211 games. Fun fact: he is the youngest player in Blue Jays history to hit a home run (20 years, 77 days).

After Ainge’s less than mediocre baseball career, the Boston Celtics drafted Ainge and bought out his baseball contract. He was a gritty player, but his constant complaining to the refs earned him the nickname “The Moaning Mormon.” His efforts with Boston helped the Celtics win titles in 1984 and 1986. In 1989, Ainge was traded to the Sacramento Kings and later had stints with the Trailer Blazers and Suns. Ainge coached the Suns for three years after retirement from 1996-99. In 2003, Ainge rejoined the Celtics as the Executive Director of Basketball Operations.

Now that we’re on top of our Danny Ainge pre-GM history, let’s dive into some of his decisions while in the Celtics front office.

Ainge’s first big move was trading away hometown favorite Antoine Walker. This move earned Ainge the nickname “Trader Danny” and may or may not have started Walker’s downward spiral into bankruptcy (allegedly).

Trader Danny’s first big splash was during the 2007 NBA Draft, when he acquired Ray Allen and Glen “Big Baby” Davis. However, the mother of all trades was his acquisition of Kevin Garnett for essentially all of the Celtics scrubs. It paid off with the C’s winning the 2008 Championship.

Ainge has pulled off other positive trades (picking up Isiah Thomas; stealing Brooklyn’s draft picks) but has also made some questionable moves (sending starting center Kendrick Perkins to OKC). Although his nickname might be Trader Danny, he certainly will never be called “Draftin’ Dan” anytime soon. Let’s go over a list of some players Ainge drafted and who he skipped over…

  • 2008: J.R. Giddens over DeAndre Jordan
  • 2011: JaJuan Johnson over Jimmy Butler and Isiah Thomas
  • 2012: Jared Sullinger and Fab Melo back to back at 20 and 21, respectively, passing over Jae Crowder and Draymond Green
  • 2013: moved up to the 13th spot to draft Kelly Olynyk instead of Giannis Antetokounmpo
  • 2014: Marcus Smart and James Young over Dario Šarić, Julius Randle, Rodney Hood, and Zach LaVine

Just based on these missed draft opportunities, the Celtics starting five for 2013-2014 could have been…

C – DeAndre Jordan
PG – Isiah Thomas (yes, he’s on the team now, I know)
SG – Jimmy Butler
SF – Giannis Antetokounmpo
PF –  Draymond Green

My reaction after constructing that starting five:

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As the title of this section indicates, it’s a hot take Monday, folks. So let’s set the oven to broil and load it up!

Danny Ainge’s high school success led him to become the Mormon Bo Jackson, except not good. After bs-ing his way in and out of baseball, he was able to ride the coattails of Larry Bird and company to win a pair of NBA titles for the storied Celtics franchise. Because of the championship teams he was on, Ainge was able to maneuver his way back into the Celtics organization and hoodwink Green Teamers everywhere that Bird may of had the talent, but Ainge had the brains. The Kevin Garnett trade was made possible thanks to former teammate and friend Kevin McHale, who was the Timberwolves GM (thinking face emoji). Ainge traded away Kendrick Perkins in favor of using old-ass Shaquille O’Neal at center during the Celtics 2011 run in the playoffs, which failed miserably. Nearly all of his draft picks have been busts up to this point.

It all has led up to this point: the Celtics swindled Brooklyn for numerous first round picks, all very high in the draft, and we don’t really know what’ll happen. Boston received its first ever #1 overall pick, only to have Trader Danny send it away. It’ll be some time before we know if the Celtics did in fact pull off the most lob-sided trade in NBA history, but until then, we just have to wait and see what Danny does.

To conclude, Daniel Ray Ainge is in fact this generation’s greatest bullshit artist in sports. Every bullshit artist has these four characteristics: putting off responsibilities (the Brooklyn picks), having one thing to hang his/her hat on (2008 championship), has a cop-out if things go wrong (LeBron James dominating the east), and possesses a strange personality characteristic (Ainge loves Chipotle way to much).

Hard not to call Ainge a bullshit artist when his favorite food is double beef with E coli.

If guys refuse a manicure, they’re not real men

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My job has a lot of great perks, including snacks, drinks, in-house haircuts, and more. But there’s one perk I use that isn’t taken advantage of by the men of the office: manicures. Every month, I end up being the only male in the office who books a spot to get my nail did. The other guys will rag on me, questioning my manhood and cracking jokes. Well guys, I’m here to tell you that you’re not a real man until you get a manicure.

Let’s get this out of the way: I don’t get them painted. I do the quick ol’ clip, file, buff, and shine. It’s like a haircut and shower for your nails, if you will. Leaves them looking clean and I put no effort into clipping them myself.

But for guys who crap on me for doing this, what’s your logic?

“That’s gay, Zach!”

Riddle me this, fool: have you ever met a gay guy with poor hygiene and terrible hands? I haven’t. I’d rather have my nails looking clean than broken with dirt and poop stuck underneath. Plus, how do “real guys” do their nails, by chewing them? No thanks. Yes, I clip my nails on my own, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get a manicure. Just because I own a pair of scissors doesn’t mean I’m going to start cutting my own hair.

So say what you will and make fun of me as much as you want guys, because at the end of the day, while you idiots purchased Home Depot gift cards for Father’s Day, I invested my money towards the 10 nails hammered into the greatest natural tools created by God.

Besides, it’s called a MANicure for a reason.

Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray

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One thought on “GMIM: Celtics and manicures

  1. Pingback: GMIM: The city (still) sucks, NBA Draft, and teeth | Zachary Adam Gray

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