GMIM: Hot-Take Monday, Tennis Edition

Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…

WARNING: THIS WEEK’S BLOG WILL FEATURE HOT-FIRE-FLAMES TAKES. THESE ARE OPINIONS (OR MAYBE FACTS) THAT’LL BE SURE TO GET YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CHATTING IT UP AROUND THE WATER COOLER. MAKE SURE YOU ARE SEATED FOR THE DURATION OF YOUR READING PERIOD.

Is Wimbledon’s dress code racist against the colorblind and thicc people?

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It’s MLB’s All-Star week, which means the American sporting world has come to a halt. It’s especially dead this year since the All-Star game means nothing now thanks to Commissioner Rob Manfred’s choice to take away the whole “winner is the home team in the World Series and it means something now, guys” aspect. First he takes steroids away, then chewing tobacco is banned at parks, and now teams lose without consequence? Pretty soon he’ll be making players line up after games to give opponents high-fives and say “good game.” If we start praising Corey Kluber for shaking Aaron Judge’s hand after giving up a pair of bombs, then I guess we’ll have to be critical towards Cherokees for not thanking Andrew Jackson.

So as America’s Past-time takes a timeout, we have an opportunity to watch our friends across the pond scream and moan their way towards winning a plate and centerpiece. Yup, I’m talking about Wimbledon.

Most people covering the event will say the main story lines are Roger Federer’s quest to win yet again, Novak Djokovic’s attempt to be liked more than Roger, Rafael Nadal’s strategy to convince us he’s good at tennis when not playing on clay, Andy Murray’s journey towards being relevant in his own country, Serena Williams being pregnant, or Venus Williams being the best Williams sister in the tournament.

But the real story this year, and every year since 1877, is Wimbledon’s offensive dress code: players must wear all white.

The official Wimbledon Twitter account shared a video stating they’re proud of the “tradition” because it focuses on player performance rather than appearance.

Here are a few specific rules pertaining to this dress code:

  • White does not include off-white or cream
  • There can only be a single trim of color no wider than one centimeter
  • Any [colored] undergarments that either are or can be visible during play (including due to perspiration) are not allowed

This year, Venus Williams had to change her bra mid-match because the pink straps were too visible.

While the Brits might think they’ve been improving the game of tennis with their cult-like dress requirements, it’s only a blatant attempt to discriminate against two groups of people: the colorblind spectators and overweight players.

I was blessed with a great pair of eyes that knew the dress was blue and black all along. But even with my immaculate eye balls, it’s impossible to figure out who is who during a match at Wimbledon.

The NFL had a similar problem during the Week 10 “color rush” game on November 12, 2015. The game was already a nightmare to watch given it was Bills vs Jets, but it was a terrible experience for colorblind viewers who couldn’t tell which team was which. This is what it looked like for those who can’t tell the difference between red and green:

Watching that game colorblind is like having Rex and Rob Ryan crap in the same toilet and being asked to decipher what came from who. It’s no fun and no one comes out a winner.

Boxing and UFC get it right. Their fighters wear different color gloves and trunks, even though there will be a clear distinction between Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather on August 26. (One is Irish, the other is American. Don’t be a racist asshole.)

Here’s what Wimbledon can do.

First, all broadcasts need to include names pointing at the players throughout the entire match, much like NASCAR does with its races.

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Next, allow advertisers to smear their logos on the front of players’ shirts. The most noticeable feature on a soccer kit is the sponsor. When I think of Manchester United, two things come to mind: bandwagon American fans and Chevy.

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Finally, allow patterns and various colors. It’s the most simple of them all, yet most effective. Do you think people recognize Ricky Fowler for his golfing ability or fashion? You be the judge:

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If Wimbledon is smart, they’ll change these rules to fix their tarnished reputation. It might be a lot to take in and imagine, so I did the work for you. (Wimbledon, if you’re reading this, shoot me an email and we’ll talk price. Otherwise, just Venmo me a couple grand directly @ZacharyAdamGray)

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Although spectators of the sport have suffered for nearly a century and a half, aspiring tennis players are affected the most. More specifically, lowkey thicc tennis players.

Last year featured the amazing Day 3 match between Federer and Marcus Willis, a local Brit who rose from mediocrity to play against one of the greatest players of all time on Centre Court. Willis had dedicated himself to improving his game and the hard work paid off. One of the main focuses on Willis during the telecast was his habits in his earlier playing days, which included eating Snickers bars and drinking RC Cola during matches.

Not only do we see a happy Willis eating and drinking, but he’s also wearing a dark blue shirt to mask his body fat and sweat. People think Willis “trained” to lose weight and took the game more seriously, but we all know he lost the weight strictly because fat guys can’t wear all white, especially when Wimbledon’s rules prevent sweating too much. It’s like when women work their asses off to fit into a wedding dress only to be divorced seven months later. Same thing with Willis; he looked stunning in his gown, but was dumped three sets later.

Willis had no stamina. When you work so hard to look good, there’s not enough to give in the end for what really matters.

Last year’s defeat could have been the end of Marcus Willis, but it created a great opportunity: revenge at the U.S. Open. You see, the U.S. Open allowed colored clothes clothing of color to be worn in 1972. Since then, we’ve seen a variety of outfits that have allowed the players to be comfortable with who they are. It’s kind of like a fat kid wearing a t-shirt into a pool: it’s an odd sight to see at first, but after some time, it’s a normal part of society.

Look for Willis to put the weight back on this summer to make a splash in the U.S. Open come September. Roger Federer is currently crapping his pants in fear of facing a thicc Marcus Willis in New York, and I’m sure he’s not a fan of that all-white dress code now.

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Rare photo: Federer reacts to his own stench after learning Marcus Willis is training with RC Cola and candy bars.

Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray

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