During mankind’s biggest events throughout history, we tend to ask ourselves and others where we were at that moment. I was in my friend’s dorm room when President Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden was killed. Last year, I watched the Cubs win its first World Series in over 100 years in my girlfriend’s living room. When Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was published last year, I was most likely napping because I don’t give a damn about those wizarding nerds. Today is one of those days: I’ve gone 100 mornings without Starbucks.
April 23 was supposed to be a normal Sunday in the office. It was also the final day of Starbucks week-long promotion of the Unicorn Frappuccino. I needed to try this cup of frozen fairy vomit just to say I did in fact have one. The ‘Bucks below my office had just opened up, so I was sure to get a fresh blend of the good stuff. Problem was, they “ran out” of the ingredients. Reasonable, sure, but disappointing nonetheless. But lo and behold, not even 10 minutes later, a coworker comes in the office with a Unicorn Frappuccino…from the Starbucks downstairs. From that moment on, I knew it was my calling to declare war on those Seattle-based capitalists slime-pigs.
I don’t want to toss the word hero out there, because I’m way too humble to hold myself in such high regard, but my commitment to wasting my
hard-earned money on other overpriced coffee shops is nothing less than inspiring. Imagine waking up every morning at 5:30 a.m., sitting through traffic, riding the subway, walking through the dump that is Downtown Crossing, and not drinking a Caramel Macchiato before siting at a desk for eight hours? I wouldn’t wish such a thing upon my enemies, but I’ve endured this for 100 straight mornings.
At first, I didn’t think this would have much of an effect on the company, but my actions alone have sent shock-waves throughout the corporation. Less than a month after the start of my boycott, a software glitch hit Starbucks across North America, causing its shops to either go “cash-only” or close completely. Shortly after, Business Insider published a piece on corporate’s inhumane treatment of its baristas. And now, its iced coffee was ranked only 3rd, losing to Peet’s and 7-ELEVEn. (Yes, that’s the correct capitalization of the convenience store chain. All caps except the “n.” Once you see it, you’ll never unsee it.)
People have been asking me how I would celebrate today. Would I dance on Starbucks’ grave? Will I purchase Dunks and drink it in Starbucks? No and no. I already had a caramel latte from Caffe Nero up the street. (Tweet me for a sponsorship. Otherwise, I’m not mentioning you guys again. Zach doesn’t do free ads.)
Someone suggested I drink Starbucks on Day 100. HA! Are you crazy? Did Gandhi ever create change by eating? Nope, he didn’t cave in, and neither will I.
There’s only one way Starbucks can win me back: make me a Unicorn Frappuccino. It can’t be during another “limited release” or promotion. I want a Unicorn Frappuccino made just for me and only me. Ship the ingredients into Boston, invite me into your precious coffee shop downstairs, and craft me the best Unicorn Frappuccino this side of the Mississippi has ever seen. When Starbucks is ashes, then you have my permission to
die take my damn money.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017: a day that will live in infamy. When the decades pass and your grand-kids ask about this day in history, you’ll remember where you were and what you were doing during the exact moment Zach decided not to buy Starbucks.