Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…
Hell on Earth: my hour in a doctor’s office waiting room
I brought my girlfriend to the doctor’s last week. Not that it was serious, but because her car wasn’t at my place. So in comes Super Chauffeur Zach. And yes, she’s doing fine, thanks for asking.
We get there and I decide to wait for her in the waiting room. Folks, if there is a hell on earth, it has to be the waiting area of a doctor’s office.
First off, it is insanely hot, almost unbearable. I’m wearing basketball shorts and a tank top and I’m still sweating like crazy. I guess the whole “doctor’s-offices-are-cold-to-prevent-the-spread-of-airborne-illness” thing was a shame. Sad.
As I sweat off a couple of pounds sitting in an extra wide wooden chair featuring a flatted cushion covered in cracking leather, the sweet sounds of NPR play through a knock-off Bose radio purchased in 2005. I know this because the same damn radio has been there since I started going to this particular office. Usually the radio is playing adult soft rock tailored towards stay-at-home moms, but someone in the office really wanted to learn about a charity sewing class that took place last month. Riveting stuff I tell ya.
The only thing worse than sitting in this overheated box of outdated wallpaper and furniture is sharing it with the other patients. I don’t think I’ve ever been surrounded by so many pairs of New Balance 813’s and Nike Air Monarchs since shoe shopping with my mom at DSW in middle school. Once these old folk got settled in, NPR was drowned out by the sounds of mouth breathers, coughers, grunters, and yawners. At one point, a woman was “whispering” to her husband, except it was loud and she was wondering what was wrong with another patient in the waiting room. Don’t worry, I’m sure the sickened patient was too old to hear this happening.
My favorite thing that happens in quiet spaces is cell phones ringing loudly. Damn kids these days with their technology. Wait, what that? It wasn’t a teenager’s phone? It was an old person who didn’t silence their phone? Who would’ve thunk?! Older generations love to crap on Millennials for using technology and being disruptive, yet older folks never silence their phones in a cinema, doctor’s office, funeral, church, or their granddaughter’s piano recital.
So there I was, stuck for an hour in the worst place imaginable. It’s somewhere I wouldn’t send my worst enemies, and it’s certainly not a place I will endure again.
Hiking at night is not ideal
Yesterday was a beautiful day in New England. The sun was bright, heat was just right, and there was the slightest breeze to cool you off when it got slightly warm. It was the perfect hiking day to say the least.
So the lady and I decide drive out to Blue Hills Reservation in Milton to enjoy some late afternoon adventures. We both have never been, so it ended up taking a little longer than we expected. After enjoying the trails, sunset, and view of the Boston skyline, we head back when the sun starts to get quite low.
Fun fact about me: I’m absolutely awful at reading a map. I try to be an alpha male woodsman who can use only a compass and map to get anywhere through the woods, but the truth is I am awful at directions on foot.
My stupidity and lack of awareness in the woods put us back about 15 minutes. Doesn’t seem like much, but when the sun is going down, every minute feels like 10. At one point, it’s pretty close to being completely dark and we’re heading down a rocky hill. The last thing you want to do in the dark is decent down a 70 degree rock hill, but we managed to get down safely and walk on an easy path for a while before getting back on the main road.
While on the path, the misses asks me what I would do if a wolf jumped out at us, what would be my plan. First off, let’s not joke about that. I don’t need a wolf or any sort of animal launching itself at me in the middle of the woods close to 9 p.m. She suggested climbing up a tree, but I could barely climb a set of stairs at this point.
So let’s explore my odds at surviving a wolf attack with the following tactics:
Climb a tree – 30:1
Although I would be tired from the hike, you have to believe there’s a chance for me avoid becoming a wolf’s dinner by climbing a tree. Wolves don’t have thumbs, so they can’t climb. Physics, folks. My only issue would be reaching branches and not losing my grip. Oh, and my fat ass breaking a branch.
Fight with a branch – 100:1
I played plenty of Soul Calibur II growing up, so I’m confident in my ability to use a branch like a sword or staff. I’m not so confident in the quality of the branch to hold up in the fight against a wolf.
Fight with bare hands – 200:1
I wrestled in high school (no big deal), but it’s been some time since I wore revealing spandex. Although I lack recent experience, I make up for this flaw in my weight gained since high school. The average wolf can weigh up to 180 lbs, so I have the upper
hand gut in a potential fight. Plus, I have thumbs, wolves don’t. Advantage: me, but also disadvantage me because he can rip my throat out with his teeth.
Throw rocks – 300:1
There’s a reason why I didn’t play college baseball and barely played in high school.
Run – 400:1
I’m not fast, and even if I ran fast enough, I’d be sure to run into the rest of the wolf pack. Speed isn’t my strength, and it sure as hell would be my downfall against a wolf.
Consensus: If a wolf comes at me in the woods, especially at night, consider me dead.
Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray