EMERGENCY BLOG: ANTI-AMERICAN ATTACKED MY WORK SPACE

I came into the office with positive vibes. “Take On Me” was blasting in my headphones on my way to work and it’s the perfect temperature outside. I got off the train and witnessed a woman vomitting into a trashcan, but I didn’t let that ruin my day.

HOWEVAAAAA…. I come into the office and what do I see? This horrific scene below. [WARNING: NSFW]

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Yup, that’s my Colonial-era American flag shoved in the garbage. You might as well just spit in the face of a bald eagle, piss on the grave of Samuel Adams, or crap in that trash can and light it on fire. Just a disgusting display of communism that has invaded the office.

The big question with this is, who did it? Let’s explore the suspected terrorists:

Starbucks

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The Prime suspect. It’s been well documented that Starbucks and I are at war. Today is day 113 of my Starbucks boycott, and it would be fitting for them to fire back. The Bucks is located directly downstairs, so it wouldn’t be difficult for them to infiltrate the office. Plus, they have a Russian Twitter account. Only issue is the office cannot be accessed by anyone, so Starbucks either invaded, broke in, or a member of the office sabotaged my work space.

Coworker/Boss

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This could tie in with Starbucks, but maybe it was an inside job. Can’t rule it out these days. Maybe someone has a problem with my boycott, or perhaps they want to screw with me to humor themselves. If anything, it’s most likely a test to see if I’m loyal to this nation and if I can keep my composure. Regardless, we have plenty of cameras, witnesses, and fine patriots in the office to solve this issue, and my coworkers better hope to Christ it wasn’t one of them who did this.

Cleaning Crew

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They’re the only ones who touch my trash, ever. And how much do we know about these folks? They could be spies. But the only problem is, they leave the garbage empty. Why would they put the flag in there after the fact? It’s confusing and wouldn’t make sense, so I’ll just keep an eye on them.

I reached out to retired NFL punter and proud American Pat McAfee for some advice.

Well said, Pat. For now, we’ll move on and continue living our American lives in the most American ways possible. But to the terrorist who did this, I’ll never forget this.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a year in customer service. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you admit treason now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

HIT THE DAMN MUSIC!

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