GMIM: Ponzi Schemes

Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…

Clocking In

Weather: Mario Lemieux, cloudy
Traffic: Could’ve been worse
Breakfast: Iced coffee, cream/sugar
Zach on time?: I think?
Mornings without Starbucks: 147

Monday Mourning Metaphor

STAY WOKE: Ponzi Schemes are all around us

So this weekend was my first official weekend off without having to take vacation time in over a year. A tornado could’ve plowed through my living room and it still would’ve been the greatest weekend ever. So how did I celebrate this? I attended a “Jack & Jill” on Saturday night.

I know these J&J’s aren’t common for every soon-to-be-married couple to have, but I’m surprised not many people know what they are. If you are not aware, Jack & Jill’s are parties thrown for a couple who’ll be married soon, sometimes a month or so in advance. It’s meant to be casual, but still nice I think? Basically you get dressed like you’re going to church for the first time in a few months, but don’t want to over do it to make it obvious that you haven’t attended in some time.

There’s two guarantees for J&J’s:

  1. Overpriced raffle tickets for gift baskets full of booze and scratch tickets
  2. It’ll be hosted in a function hall / American Legion that looks like this:

Also, this is a big-time white person thing to do. The YMCA will be performed, Budweiser bottles will be the drink of choice, and there’s a chance they’ll end the night with everyone singing “Sweet Caroline.”

After explaining to a few friends how Jack & Jill’s work, I realized that they’re simply Ponzi Schemes for the Bride and Groom. (Ok, we’re bending the definition of Ponzi Scheme, but it just sounds better, so let’s roll with it.)

Jack and Jill’s help raise funds for the bride and groom, but then they’ll end up getting wedding gifts as well afterward, plus maybe some more later. Just rolling in all the dough possible.

So what else in our common, miserable lives do we experience Ponzi Schemes and money grabbing tactics? Let’s explore…

Coffee

Especially those communist dirtbags known as Starbucks.

It doesn’t matter what profession you’re in. Whether it’s the office or construction site, every morning starts with coffee. But if coffee provides this big energy boost, why do we need three cups a days? Or how about espresso, that small-portioned coffee that’s suppose to be extra strong and get you wired? Last time I checked, the only thing that effective and tiny is cocaine, and I’d rather start my day with powder on my donut than up my nose.

But coffee has just enough caffeine to give you the feeling it’s working, but not enough to only have one.

America runs on Ponzi Schemes

College

Do I even need to explain this one?

You mean to tell me loaning over $100k to an 18-year-old high school graduate to attend a campus of part-time classes and parties would not lead to a successful, debt-free life? COLOR ME SHOCKED, FOLKS.

There are way too many layers to this and I simply don’t feel like typing for another hour to rant about how bullshit the college/work structure is set up for kids to fail when they reach the age of 30. Every job opening looks like this:

“Entry-level position & pay. Must have 5-7 years experience”

Makes sense.

Kids, learn a trade, get a certificate, or become a Vine Star. Choose one of those three and you’ll be set.

Working in the city

Is there an actual, logical reason for any business to be located in the heart of a major city? Because it doesn’t make sense to cram everyone in and expect workers to be happy spending two hours of the day traveling. So the only logical reason is for money grabbing. Think about it: businesses located in the city helps profit other businesses like gas companies and tolls for the commute, parking fees towards the city, restaurants in the area, and massive rent/utility costs. Ponzi Scheme like you read about.

This blog

“Woah, Zach. You’re getting a little too woke on this.”

Yes, I know you’re thinking that, but is it that far off? I have to pay money to keep this stupid URL. Then the site puts ads on my page to profit off my hard work (which I don’t see a dime). Finally, I steal your time. And we all know time is money, so I’m basically taking your money. So you’re welcome.

I could set up a way to get advertising dollars, but that would cost money. So I’d have to pay money to make money? Folks, THAT is Ponzi Scheme-ing 101.

I’m done with Tony Romo

Unless you don’t watch football and/or hate American culture, you’d know by now that Tony Romo is the new lead color analyst for the NFL on CBS. He made some noise Week 1 for correctly predicting plays before they happened:

So you mean to tell me a recently retired NFL quarterback could read the defense and correctly say what the plays are? Never though that was possible. I won’t be a full hardo, because there is an element of this that’s good to have in broadcasts. But Romo continued this trend into Week 2 with the Patriots/Saints game and it was an overkill. He needs to save it for key downs and situations, maybe even hold off until the 4th quarter. Besides, if I hate the overly obnoxious fan doing it on the couch next to me every play, then stop doing it on the television, please.

Romo seems like an ok dude, but being paired with Jim Nantz is insufferable because you know Nantz LOVE himself some Tony Romo. Dude thinks he’s the greatest thing to ever come out of the NFL. So, so giddy to hear him talk and have the camera pan to them inside the booth together.

So if Tony Romo does two things, I’ll be back on the Romo Train. First, he needs to speak up or turn up his mic. Either way, I can’t hear him. Might be odd to want to hear a commentator more, but I’d rather hear the person announcing than wonder if there’s a whisper in the room.

Secondly, Tony needs to wear the signature plain hat. We all know it, you know it, and Tony Romo sure as hell knows it.

Just look at that combo! Plain hat and a sports coat?? Absolute fire coming from the GOAT Pizza Hut salesman. Please Tony, I know you’re reading this. I will take this blog down if you wear the famous hat during at least one broadcast.

The Emmys were last night! Here’s a recap!

Yeah, absolutely not. I didn’t watch them and award shows for rich actors are stupid.

Side note though: whenever actors give interviews or acceptance speeches, how do we know they’re not acting? Are they never not acting?

This Monday in history: September 18, 2006

Down four runs in the bottom of the 9th, the Dodgers hit four consecutive homers to tie the game at nine. Next inning, Nomar Garciaparra hits a walk-off two-run home run to top the Padres, 11-10.

Song of the Week: Sleepyhead

A fire jam, plus I’m so damn tired.

Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or Tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray

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