Welcome to another installment of Good mourning, it’s Monday! This weekly blog looks to cover various topics in the news, along with personal stories or encounters from the past week at home and work to help you through your first day back at work (unless you don’t work). Hopefully my seven followers like this and share this to make it eight. Enjoy…
Weather: Muggy, 71
Traffic: Close to none
Breakfast: Bacon & cheese croissant with a caramel latte
Zach arrival: He gucci
Mornings without Starbucks: 168
Monday Mourning Metaphor
When you do something really nice, but get screwed in the end:
You have to feel bad for J.J. at this point, right? Yeah, he’s gotten some slack from the haterzz for being a try-hard and goodie two shoes, but I just want to see great players like Watt, Rob Gronkowski, and others have long careers and full seasons. Especially when there are so many low skilled players and poorly coached teams in the NFL, we need players like this to provide us some awesome highlights to enjoy. Let’s hope it’s a speedy recovery.
Monday Mourning Gripe: Are cheese sticks the most vile snack in human history?
I’ve been thinking this one for a while, but it came back to mind after witnessing a girl eating one of these things on the subway. Snacks in general can be weird since they’re processed and made to last much longer than they should. But something about cheese sticks makes me want to vomit.
I tried a Sargento sharp cheddar stick at work (diabolical place to first try it) and it was decent. I thought maybe I could hop on the cheese stick bandwagon. Nope, I was wrong. After one bite into the second stick the next time around, I want zero part of that shit.
Cheese sticks are typically mozzarella, which is an insane move since mozzarella is only good on two things: Italian dinners and Italian appetizers.
Just the sound of plastic tearing apart on the train last week made me cringe. Plus this girl was then going to school with cheese breath. Not a good look (or smell).
There’s only one thing worse than eating cheese sticks and that’s boiled eggs. They’re stinky, rubbery, and they look weird, especially when they start sweating. Oh, fun fact: eggs are just chicken periods. Chickens menstruate every day. Makes you wonder how stressful it’d be being married to a chicken.
“Zach, why the hell didn’t you make the nest this morning? Are you ever going to clean up the coop? If my period is so gross, then why does Farmer Joe pick them up everyday with his bare hands? Maybe he loves me more than you do.” Uhhh talk about a situation that’ll make you pull your feathers out! We all know how this ends up. You start hearing a mightier rooster crowing in the morning and your wifey starts looking at you less. Next thing you know, she’s “working” earlier in the day, that rooster’s call is a little more passionate, and then she eventually dumps your ass for that rooster. Sad! Plus, some of those “eggs’ turn out to be little chicks you’re stuck with until they turn 18 (or however many years is an adult for chickens) and you realize you’ve been raising that rooster’s babies for him. No thanks, that’s why I’ve always been anti-marriage when it comes to chickens.
Anywho, point is if you eat boiled eggs or cheese sticks, your taste buds need to be reexamined. And if you enjoy both, you’re a nerd.
Who the hell is Elon Musk?
It’s quite literally once a week I see a story where Elon Musk is quoted saying he could develop a train the travels faster than the speed of light, or he could provide power to Puerto Rico using air, or any other idea from a Sci-Fi channel-funded movie. Just basically saying he could single-handedly save the world. I’ve never read so many headlines about one person I don’t know a thing about.
The biggest thing he did was make Tesla cars, but I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head what else he has accomplished. Musk looks like if James Comey underwent some plastic surgery, which is basically saying he could be cast as William Dafoe’s stunt double in the next Spider-Man prequel.
I think the world and media is so desperate for the next Steve Jobs that they’ll cling on to Musk hoping he’s it, just so media outlets can run double issue magazine issues or hour-long television specials of Elon Musk with their own images, video, and articles to be able to say “we’ve been covering him since day one, since no one knew how amazing he would be.”
My biggest issue with him is the name: Elon Musk. What the hell kind of name is Elon freaking Musk? His name literally translates to persistent body odor. No one with a name like that can avoid becoming a James Bond villain. This whole thing is set up so perfectly. “Hey guys, I’m smart, have money, and my big brain contains a shit ton of ideas to save the world.” And then SPIN ZONE: Teslas are actually Decepticons and the technology he’s been developing is for his own use to take over the world. In my opinion, Elon Musk is either a real life evil genius, or a figure of our imagination.
Either way, until this guy can solve real issues like why I can’t lose weight by avoiding the gym, no phone reception in my house, or hangover prevention that doesn’t cut out booze, Elon Musk is the biggest fraud of the 21st century.
Song of the Week
If you’re party doesn’t feature this fire jam from Stevie B., then you aren’t throwing a good party.
Have any stories to share? Suggestions? Feedback? Send them to ZacharyAdamGray@gmail.com or tweet me @ZacharyAdamGray