Zach’s Blog: It’s Friday

Welcome to another edition of Zach’s Blog, a collection of random thoughts, stories, opinions, and whatever else comes from Zach’s brain and fingertips. These blogs range from hot fire takes that are purely satire, to insightful thoughts. It’s your job to determine which is what. With that, enjoy the blog…

What Does Zach Gray Actually Eat?

I was scrolling through Twitter Sunday morning in bed after a late night of being responsible (drinking) when I came across this tweet from Tom Brady’s hype man Alex Guerrero.

I’ve seen a single episode of Tom vs Time, opened a couple of pages of Brady’s book, and heard way too many references to avocado ice cream, so I can’t exactly say I know what Tom Brady’s day-to-day meals are. But I assumed it was a lot of weird shit that normal folks wouldn’t eat.

TomDiet-819x1024.jpg

If you feel like reading the whole thing, be my guest. But I’ll give the simpletons at home a quick rundown:

  • Tom Brady doesn’t eat strawberries because he is a weirdo doesn’t like them.
  • He has a plant-based diet and some meats.
  • Brady starts his day at 6 a.m. and has a shit ton of water, and then proceeds to workout two hours later.
  • Brady works out until 11, which if you can’t do the math, is a 3-hour workout. LOL, ok Tom.
  • Noontime is salad time for Tommy, but the rest of the day is TB12 branded snacks, shakes, and bone broth.
  • Avoiding inflammation is big for Tom, “like limiting salt, refined sugars and simple carbs, alcohol, caffeine, and trans fats.”  He also avoids dairy and nightshades, which I first thought was he drinks water in front of open windows. But turns out nightshades are sort of like potatoes? Who would have thought.
  • Then the rest is promoting his products with a simple rundown of how to be like Tom.

So that’s that. It’s cool and all to eat and live like a six-time Super Bowl champ, but that seems a little difficult. But how about eating and living like me, a self-proclaimed “minor-league internet guy” filled with self-deprecation and shame? Well, it’s easier than you think! Let’s jump in!

(This will follow the same format as the article, so if you feel like reading, now is your chance.)

TomDiet-819x1024.png

THE MYTHS BEHIND THE COMMON GUY

A lot of people think they know what Zach Gray eats and why, but a lot of these people are mistaken. For example, Gray has been described as a paleo enthusiast. Although Gray puts a lot of meat on his plate, he isn’t that strict himself.

“When people ask if I’m a vegan or a vegetarian,” says Gray. “I tell them no, why the hell would I do that?”

In fact, Gray’s meals consist of roughly 80 percent processed-based foods and 20 percent halfway healthy foods. Outside the cold New England winter months, that 80 percent might stretch up… well, we don’t really know.

One plant food Gray avoids, however, is the strawberry. The real reason Gray cuts strawberries out of the picture has nothing to do with nutrition. He just doesn’t like paying for them.

But let’s get back to the big question: what does Zach Gray eat, and why?

GRAY’S SIMPLE SHIT-BASED LIFESTYLE

First things first — Gray loosely follows a paleo-based diet. This is nothing new, as he tried doing this years ago, but ended up putting the weight back on and then some. He himself calls it “good, but only if you actually follow it.” It’s basically a caveman diet, but cavemen didn’t have whiskey, so there’s that.

The reason Gray joined in on this global trend is straightforward: he’s fat.

A TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF ZACH GRAY

Gray’s day starts at 6:40 a.m. after hitting snooze on his alarm about 4 times. His immediate focus is taking a shower. “I wake up and shower so I don’t smell like shit in the office,” he says. After that, a bullet-proof coffee, because if those silicon valley nerds drink them, so why not Zach?

After about two hours, Gray finally gets to work. At roughly 20-minute intervals throughout his shift, he’ll readjust himself in his chair to prevent cramps and numbness in his asscheeks. He snacks on almonds, weird protein bars, and a single cup of water prior to lunch.

Around noon, Gray assembles his lunch according to his core principle of “did I bring a lunch?” If not, it’s off to blow $10 on an overpriced Mediterranean bowl at some spot in Downtown Crossing.

WHAT ZACH GRAY (USUALLY) DOESN’T EAT

One of the reasons Zach Gray eats the way he eats is because he’s lazy and can’t commit to a healthy lifestyle. Oh, and he’s not a professional quarterback.

Some of these rules are common, like eating lots of salt, refined sugars and simple carbs, alcohol, caffeine, and trans fats. You’ve heard of these rules, and you probably go against every one of them.

“My diet is engineered and matched to the job I need my body to do,” Gray explains. “As long as I sit in an office from 9-5, I’ll be as undisciplined as possible.”

HOW TO FUEL YOUR BODY LIKE ZACH GRAY

Following in Zach Gray’s nutritional footsteps is simple.

  1. Tell yourself you’ll eat good this week.
  2. Compromise at any point you feel like you can’t find healthy food to fill you up.
  3. Repeat.

For more information on Zach Gray’s diet, visit his Twitter page. It doesn’t have nutrition advice, but he sometimes says some funny things, I think.

Hey dummy, I’m on Twitter. Tweet me your thoughts or tell me how much I suck @zacharyadamgray, or if you’re old, send me an email to zacharyadamgray@gmail.com