Zach’s Blog: Happy Saturday

Welcome to another edition of Zach’s Blog, a collection of random thoughts, stories, opinions, and whatever else comes from Zach’s brain and fingertips. These blogs range from hot fire takes that are purely satire, to insightful thoughts. It’s your job to determine which is what. With that, enjoy the blog…

Zach’s applicable quote for the weekend

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy”

– Ben Franklin

–Not really what he said, but still a great quote.

–Zachary Gray

Going up to Branch & Blade Brewery Co. this evening. Great ole place with handsome beers and delicious beards.

CVS to change on hold music

[AP] – A Massachusetts doctor who pleaded with CVS to change its on-hold jingle is getting his wish.

The Boston Globe reports a spokeswoman for the pharmacy chain said Friday the company is in the process of updating its voice-response phone system, including the on-hold music that Dr. Steven Schlozman so hated.

The child psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital penned a tongue-in-cheek letter to WBUR-FM last year saying the music haunted him “day and night.”

The letter sparked a nationwide debate with some people praising the music and others sharing Schlozman’s sentiments.

Schlozman says he thinks it’s great CVS is making the change.

CVS spokeswoman Amy Lanctot did not clarify whether the company is replacing the tune or improving sound quality.

She says the new system should be complete later this year.

Dr. Steven Schlozman is a child psychiatrist, but he might have to see a child psychiatrist if the hold music is haunting him day and night. Granted, I can’t judge someone for being triggered by something so small. After all, I have been boycotting Starbucks for almost two years.

The simple solution to this is replace all waiting songs with Kenny G. Simple, smooth, sexy, and great all year round. I said it in a previous blog, but you can legitimately listen to “Silver Bells” by Kenny G all year round. It’s that good.

With all that said, let’s rank the worst possible songs to list to while on hold:

4) Any Christmas Song

Whether or not you like Christmas music, or any song for that matter, there is nothing worst than being forced to hear the same songs over and over again. And this is especially true with Christmas songs. It’s since at parties or maybe shopping, but when you’re stuck on hold for god knows how long, it can make the wait feel even longer.

Plus, “War is Over” is one of the worst songs of all time, Christmas or not.

3) Love Lockdown – Kanye West

This song is fire flames. So why is it on here? Well, imagine trying to listen to “Love Lockdown” without bass. It’s impossible. Then add in Kanye’s autotune on a phone speaker and it’s sounds like garbage. No matter how good a song is, it doesn’t always translate to waiting music.

On a related note, I miss Kayne’s mullet…

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2) Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

This is not to say the song sucks, because it doesn’t. But you cannot listen to Bohemian Rhapsody halfway through. Must be consumed from start to finish, and we all know every waiting song starts somewhere in the middle. Did I throw this song in here because I watched the movie last week? Maybe, maybe not.

1) Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

Fuck that song, plain and simple. Fun fact: he wrote the song for his wife, but couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with Marsha. Real creative, Neil. I thought you were a song writer, but I guess you’re just a fraud. Anywho, so he chose Caroline, named after President Kennedy’s daughter. But here’s the problem: the song was released in 1969, and Caroline was 12. That’s interesting Neil, that you’d write a love song for your wife (warm touching warm, touching me touching you), and you used a 12-year-old kid’s name. Got it.

You might be thinking I’m over thinking this and making false accusations about Neil. (Fact check: no accusations have been made…yet.) But it’s not just Sweet Caroline. How about “Girl You’ll Be A Woman Soon.” You want to talk about weird songs, that song is something else.

Please come take my hand
Girl, you’ll be a woman soon
Soon you’ll need a man

I’ve made this section of the blog a Neil Diamond hate venting session, but I needed it. Oh, and it would suck to hear Sweet Caroline while waiting on hold for CVS.

(Side note… who the hell calls CVS anyway?)

Sex outside of marriage may soon be legal in Utah

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[Fox News] – The Utah State Legislature on Tuesday passed a bill that repealed the misdemeanor crime of fornication, making sex outside of marriage legal within the state.

The House passed Senate Bill 43 with a 41-32 vote, FOX13 Salt Lake City reported. The bill is headed to Republican Gov. Gary Herbert’s desk for his signature or veto. It was unclear if he supports the bill. The bill didn’t sit well with some conservative members of the state House.

“What is legally is often far below what is morally right,” said state Republican Rep. Kevin Stratton, who objected to the bill. “And I recognize our laws are not strong enough to rule an immoral people.”

First and foremost, shoutout to me for using Fox News to dunk on the haters who think I’m some sort of lib-cuck loser. I pull my news from the right as well, idiots.

Anyway, shoutout to Utah for just coming out and saying “fuck it, we’ll embrace the Mormon stereotype.” No surprise after Mitt Romney became Senator they make this legal (not saying there’s a connection, but not denying it either. Don’t sue me.)

What’s interesting is this was made a criminal offense in 1973, which again, is a great way to combat the Mormon stereotype.

While Utah is embracing sex, Colorado is taking it a step further and saying you can marry your first cousin.

Your move, Alabama.

Zach’s Universal Horoscope

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Don’t know your sign? Can’t remember your birthday? Zach has you covered no matter you are!

Lucky numbers: 6, 13, 69, 420

Word of the Day: Yeast….. make what you will of it.

Your Horoscope: Like the winds swirling in distance, your mind might be swirling with ideas of what to do on this Saturday. Fear not, as today isn’t about planning, but rather simply doing, even if that doing it just sitting. Call a friend, or don’t. No matter what choice is made now, you will likely have a hangover tomorrow. Grab a beer, it’s Saturday.

Hey dummy, I’m on Twitter. Tweet me your thoughts or tell me how much I suck @zacharyadamgray, or if you’re old, send me an email to zacharyadamgray@gmail.com

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